This weekend.. dehabilitated. I slept, suffered from anxiety, slept only to wake up to having anxiety, to sleep again. I couldn’t even tell you what I did this last weekend, besides sleep.
The struggle with this disease is real guys. I refuse to allow it to ruin me though.
So why? why this weekend out of NOWHERE!
Well i’m not so sure. It could have A LOT to do with the fact that I had been off my wellbutrin for 5 days and on top of that, decided to cut all ties with my ex-husband and his family PLUS he had a baby.
Now, I am in NO WAY trying to pursue my ex, what-so-EVER. We’ve been apart since the beginning of 2013, divorced since 2015 and have been coparenting along with our spouses for the last 6 years. I’ve remarried to the man of my dreams, an amazing stepfather to the boys and daddy to our 2 daughters. My ex is engaged to an amazing stepmother to our boys, and Momma to our favorite little buddy. I thank God everyday for her! Throughout these years though, I had still been considering the Lopez family, mine.
I was probably 14 years old when I met him, I was in a “long term” relationship at the time but this guy who was a little bit older, had his own car, could do whatever he wanted.. just really had me. He gave me butterflies to be around him, he would try to kiss me and I would never turn away. I smile thinking about this time of such innocence, never did I think we’d end up married with 2 children!!
Anyhow, after running away at 16 I moved in with him into a little studio at his aunt and uncles house. Right away he put me in the kitchen to start learning how to cook I LOVED THIS! I have ALWAYS loved to cook! I was in desperate need of this love. I needed family, I needed someone to act like I meant something to them even if it was me standing there just to flip tortillas. I loved the sense of family, I loved that they opened their hearts and arms to me. We built a life together, we didn’t have much but we had each other and 2 handsome little guys.
So this last weekend, I’ve grieved. That’s it right there, Grief.
When my ex-husband and I split up, it was while we were in 2 separate countries. Even after I left him, I still kept hold to his family. He and I may have disconnected but the family and I didn’t. HIS FAMILY provided the food for my Dad’s funeral 3 years after we had split up. HIS FAMILY risked the rules of their religion to be there for me at my family’s Christian church to be there FOR ME, FOR US! (random fact but so important to me)
Over the last 7 years i’ve continued to be close. Friending them on Facebook, continuing to send updates about our boys, inviting them to baseball games, school functions. Or we occasionally just message each other back and forth to keep in touch. Now, I realize that I AM the one doing all of this and they are not reaching out to me.. I get it. Even still, they were my family and forever will be part of me because we share our precious boys. However, It’s just time to let go. It’s time I, let go.
Writing this, I feel a gush of memories just breaking through my heart. A crashing wave of events that helped to make me the person I am today, I see the faces that were there for me when I didn’t know what to do with a newborn baby. The Tias that filled the void in my heart that my mother left long ago.
My first international trip was to visit my then suegros(in-laws) to introduce them to their very first Nieto(grandson), our son Jesse Kenneth Lopez. I went all alone 18 years old with a 1 year old baby. We took the red eye from LAX, to Bush, to Acapulco where they greeted me at the airport. We took an old truck back to their pueblito(little town). They allowed Jesse and I to sit in the front while they sat in “lawn chairs” on the bed of the truck. Now, to some of you this might seem strange, to me this was Home. I embraced every part of this culture, from the cooking, to the hospitality to the language. Yes I am fluent in Spanish. This was Life for me, I’ve been longing to return. It’s just not my place anymore.
So yes, I’m grieving. Heavily grieving.
AND THAT IS OKAY! I am grateful beyond words for the way Jesus has led my life to where it is now. I know now that marrying my ex husband, becoming family with his, was a way to get me off the streets! It was a way to teach my how to become the woman that I am today. The mother that I am today. A way for me to grow up!! Without them, I wouldn’t be where I’m at. Sadly, I might have joined the heroin epidemic and be along side my best friend who is 6 feet underground. Sad but true guys!!
You know who you all are, My kids thank you, My husband now thanks you, I thank you, My whole WORLD thanks you.
Meggan Lynette Orduno (aka la guera)
a P.S. to my followers! Thank you for being patient with me as i’ve been on a total hiatus! We’ve moved from California to Texas with a whole lot going on in between. My resolution for this new year is to get back to blogging and sharing life and more recipes with y’all. If you haven’t already, be sure to follow me on Facebook and Instagram where I share tidbits of our crazy little thing called Life. Love you all!!