I wrote this up a few days ago, sent it to my sister and her response was “Woah.”
It made me take a step back and think to myself, okay maybe a little too raw? a little TOO vulnerable. Ultimately I’ve decided, if I’m going to continue to be a writer/blogger on real life stuff then I need not worry about sugar coating it. I do enough sugar coating in my sweets recipes.
So here it continues, my life wide open..
Life lately has felt like a terrible case of the “waaamp wamp waaaamps”
I think a lot of it has to do with wanting a Mom. Here I am almost 30 years old wishing I had a mother.
My usual scroll through social media is business purposed. I allow myself a certain amount of time to go through and look at everyones kids and trips and be super nosey but avoid falling to far into the wormhole. Lately, it’s been super triggering.
Every once in a while the question will come up, “Have you heard from your Mother?” “Have you talked to Mom?” The answer is always No. Last year I made the choice to cut all ties with my mother. This time around has been most successful, a lot of credit to be paid toward Blocking through Iphone and Social Media.
My sister had the strength to let her go years ago, when we were kids years ago! I couldn’t, I just couldn’t do it. I’d be in Arroyo Grande, Ca waiting for a call from my mom who was somewhere between Hollywood and Ventura. I’d be waiting for the call to say, “I’m almost there!” Or even the “I’m running 3 hours late” was ok with me. Most times.. something always came up. And I, always held on.
A Little History on “Hubbard’s Happy Family” (the slogan for my mom’s daycare)
My mother and father met through a mutual friend in La Conchita, California. My dad, being the charmer that he was, swooped her right up. He took her to concerts, and places she’d never been. They were married while she was pregnant with me, had my sister Rachel, built a short life together as business and home owners. I look at family portraits, one specifically. On the outside we appeared so perfect.
It was another night that my sister and I laid awake with the constant ache in our bellies, listening to them fighting, breaking things, calling a neighbor to referee, that I suggested “why don’t you guys just get a divorce!” It haunted me for so long. I know now that I was NOT the reason they made their decision. But I Thank God every day that they did.
I remember the hurt in my Dad’s heart after years of trying to make things work. Years of trying to make her happy. One memory in particular, I had walked into their bedroom to find him sitting on their bed, embracing a blender and weeping. I had never seen him cry before.
After scandals of cheating, drugs, incarceration and countless physical altercations they finally split.
I try so hard to press back into my memories to find a time that I felt that her and I were bonding. I try to find a hug that wasn’t bones and lifeless. I try to find what I have with my babies and it’s not there, I don’t think it ever was.
I look back at that poor poor broken little girl and think HOW!
HOW THE F@&$ COULD YOU JUST LEAVE THESE PRECIOUS LITTLE GIRLS THAT NEEDED A MOTHER! A little girl needs her MOTHER! My children are the center of my universe, my everything. Every move I make revolves around being their Mother.
So why!!? Why today, 22 years later, do I fixate on the fact that she decided her life without us was more important? A life of drugs and prostitution is better than the love of her own children? Why today, do I still feel like this lost little girl still looking for their mommy?
The harsh answer is, I’ll never know. Because, I’ll NEVER be that person. I’ll never be her.
What I do Know!
I AM a woman who came from a life of abandonment, abuse and neglect that has made a life for herself AND her children. I am proof that history does NOT need to repeat itself.
I am okay admitting that I am human. There was a time that I fell off track. The difference is I built myself back up! Months of therapy, being baptized, accepting that I truly am living what is called PTSD, that I did not deserve what she put me through, that my life is mine and I am in charge of the outcome, that I am SO STRONG, that I am capable of ANYTHING! That I AM beautiful! I AM smart! I AM LOVED! I am worth it…
My sister said, “Meggan you have far too much going for you to keep living in the past, let her go.” And she’s right.
I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”John 10:10
Mom, if you’re out there, if you’re reading this.. I forgive you, I forgave you a long time ago. I pray for you every single day. It’s never too late to turn to Jesus and seek sobriety. Once you realize that you need to do this for YOURSELF, not me, not Rachel, not Jacob, but for YOU. Will be the day that it ALL changes.